Do I want children?

Do I want children? I’m not sure that I do. I’m 34 in less than a months time and I still can’t make up my mind. If you read previous blogs of mine you know that I have severe anxiety and panic attacks as well as phobias and IBS, stress related migraines and a whole host of mental health issues that prevent me from living my life as a normal person would. I find “normal” day-to-day activities such as A steady job,trips to the beach, holidays, days out etc very daunting and mostly impossible. For me I’ve spent the last 10 years not really being able to travel further than my own local town and even then on bad days that seems too far. The idea of having to travel for over 45 minutes- an hour to get to the local hospital to have a child seems like an unthinkable future. I also suffer from a fear of being sick (vomiting) so the idea of giving your body over to something that will more than likely make you feel sick and possibly vomit is again a very challenging idea. But in February 2019 my husband and I decided to start trying. It was a crazy idea and one that didn’t completely sit well with me but I thought my biological clock was ticking and if it wasn’t now, then when? I fell pregnant within the first two weeks of trying to conceive! anxiety took over me for 2 to 3 days after finding out I was pregnant. it took me a long time to get my head around it and I was shaking from head to foot scared about the future, not sure I was ready and completely freaking out. But I decided on a Homebirth and that idea say better with me than trying to make my self get to the hospital. I had three months solid of 24 hour morning sickness. Why the hell they call it morning sickness I will never know as it struck me every hour of every day for three months. I felt too sick to eat and too hungry not to eat. It took me around a month to start coming to terms with the idea of being pregnant, I even started to buy maternity clothes and began to decorate one of the spare rooms for a Nursery. this was mainly to help me over the anxiety and the times I felt my most nauseous as well as to give me a focus and a creative outlet. After the first two months past I had my blood and pee tests routinely taken and it flagged a urinary infection. I was told I would need to take antibiotics (although I didn’t have any symptoms) . I’m always reluctant to take antibiotics as I tend to react badly with my IBS and I did get severe diarrhoea and stomach upset as well as feeling very nauseous this was triggering my panic attacks! I won’t take antibiotics if I can help it but as they suggested that not taking them may endanger the baby, I decided to take them. I was around 8 1/2 weeks pregnant at the time. I had taken them for two days and decided to stop as they were making me feel terribly sick and they were inducing panic attacks as well as flaring my IBS. After finishing the antibiotics I started to feel a lot better and the pregnancy symptoms seemed to lessen and even managed to go out with my friends around Easter and have a nice local trip and a meal out etc. All seemed well and I felt better in myself getting used to the idea of being pregnant and almost enjoying the fact that I was. Most of the fear had passed and I had discussed the plans with my husband to have a homebirth to ensure that I was feeling as safe and secure in my plans as possible, to reassure myself and be in control of as much as I could until the birth.

My tips for handling morning sickness…

  • Vitamin B6! – I cannot stress enough how this wonder vitamin helped me in the in worst times of that pregnancy. Taking 10-20mg three times a day, with meals really helped
  • Ginger herbal tea – sipping this tea when I felt my most nauseous but was unable to eat really helped, my stomach not all the time but some.
  • Protein shakes – when I was unable to stomach solid food especially in the middle of the night having a protein shake by my bedside really helped aid the nausea felt from needing to constantly eat.
  • Apples – for some reason I was really craving fresh apples and it is an easy food to have in your handbag, car, or next to your bed. I later found out that the apples have vitamin B6 which is known to help hormonal nausea
  • Soda water with fresh lemon- I found sipping soda water with freshly squeezed lemon juice in it was also very beneficial when I felt uneasy and queasy.
  • Smelling citrus – I found smelling of freshly sliced lemon or orange also helps with strong smell induced nausea

We went for a routine 12 week scan and found out that the baby had no heartbeat and had stopped growing at around 8 1/2 weeks. I had had what was known as a missed miscarriage. Meaning my body had not recognised that the fetus had not survived. The Lady carrying out my scan told me “I’m very sorry but it has no heartbeat”, I looked at the monitor and saw a perfectly formed little baby around 3cm, little arms and legs. It didn’t quite hit me what had happened until about a month after. When I first heard the news the baby had no heart beat, my first concern was that I would need to go to hospital to have it removed seeing as my body had not recognised it and not miscarried naturally. The thought of going to hospital terrified me as I am almost completely agoraphobic and have not had to travel that far in years. I did not see how I was going to do this journey and that at the time, upset and worried me more and the loss of the baby.

The miscarriage it’s self

The lady doing the scan said, “sometimes the news that the baby is no longer viable is enough to trigger a natural miscarriage”. at the time I wasn’t really listening but I did take it in and back at home with my husband I had a little cry, tried to get my head around what happened and started planning our options. I was looking things up on the Internet to see what I could do to get it moving along naturally and I saw that acupuncture is said to be beneficial to help things move along. It seemed to me the only option to give me something I could physically do instead of worrying about getting to The hospital (which is over 45 minutes drive away) . I managed to get an appointment in the next 10 minutes. Around 30 minutes after getting home from the scan.

I went for the acupuncture appointment and cried my eyes out on the table while the acupuncturist did her thing. I told her the story of what happened and lay crying with needle stuck in my forehead arms and legs stomach (and what felt like), just above my womb. I returned home and Around 30-45 mins later, the brownish/red discharge started, along with some mild period like pains.

I had 2 days of this sort of very light period pains and light bleeding but then on the 3rd day, at around 2 am I had to get out of bed as the pain had ramped up. I went down stairs and lent over our foot rest to try and ease the pain. Then there was a sudden rush and a bursting feeling, with a lot of liquid, I thought “oh my god, that’s a lot of blood!!” I went to the loo to sort my self out to discover it was fluid. My sac had broken 😦 so I guess it was my waters breaking. I clean up and took up the same position and then a second rush , and this time it was blood and a lot of it!

Over the next 4 weeks I continued to bleed and randomly loose big clumps, tissue and “bits” from inside. I even stared to catch the blood to see how much I was loosing each time as it’s hard to tell if it’s going straight down the loo. The pain was all just about bearable and I dealt with it all at home and was safe.

I’m actually quite proud of how I dealt with it all at the time.

It was around 1 month after that the depression hit! And it’s the lowest Iv felt in my whole life. It just felt like a cloud of sadness was following me where ever I went. I didn’t know how to be happy anymore. I was lost. I would loose track of time , feel empty and hollow. Colours around me felt dull and nothing brought be joy or peace.

This lasted about a year. I didn’t want to try again for a baby and I was petrified of falling pregnant again. I put pressure on my self every day and constantly had an inner fight with my self about trying again or not trying again , what to tell my husband if I never wanted children 😦 it was awful. It’s been about a year and a half now since and I still can’t decide if I can or want to try again.

Some days I feel like “ yes , I can do this” , and other days I feel, “ no way can I do this and I don’t want to put my self through it”. I still don’t know which side of me is going to win. My body clock is ticking but I don’t crave children. But is that because I’m scared of the what ifs? If I didn’t have anxiety, panic attacks and phobias, would I want children without any worries? Mmmm. Il let you guys know when I do. Maybe I should just stop F****g about and just get pregnant and then just have to deal with it and get over my self.

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