Hi guys , if your reading this you might know about panic attack or even suffer with them your self. This is a trigger warning so if you are easily set off or find it a trigger to hear about others symptoms, then maybe don’t read on. Also do not project my symptoms and fears onto yourself. Everyone suffers differently and my experiences are for reference and mutual support.
If you have read any of my previous blogs you can skip the next bit, but if you haven’t then there is a short catch up below
1) I had a miscarriage in 2019 at around 3 months pregnant. I had an awful time during my pregnancy with nausea, panic attacks and lack of sleep etc then had a a scan at 12 weeks which revealed a dead 9week Fetus. I then had miscarriage at home a day later which lasted around 2-3 weeks. Not nice and caused me to go into quite bad depression for around 9-12 months.
2) I have IBS D and some food intolerances so I find getting out and about hard. My IBS is triggered by wheat, gluten and yeast mainly as well as gassy vegetables such as beans. I get pains , bloating , nausea and diarrhoea . All of which triggers my anxiety and panic attacks
3) I suffer with panic attacks and general anxiety. Since I was around 12/13 years old Iv had panic attacks and been a nervous person. It’s gotten worse as I’ve gotten older to the point now where I have not left my town for over 5 years. I’m quite agoraphobic and spend most days at home. I work locally in my village pub which I can just about manage and I teach dancing. I also work for myself crafting handmade gifts from home.
4) getting pregnant is a big deal for me and I’m still not sure I want or can handle, getting pregnant again. The hospital is over 45 mins drive away ( which is further than I can face travelling) and I can’t handle feeling of being sick as that is my main trigger for my panic attacks as well as the fear of having another miscarriage. I’d give birth at home but the fear of having to go to the hospital really freaks me out.
How I’m feeling today.
My husband and I decided to try again for a baby. It freaks me out terribly and is a massive cause for anxiety for me. It’s been 2 months of trying and nothing . This is the 3rd month of trying now And it feels like I just can’t relax . As soon as we have “tried” , the next few weeks I’m in a state of mild panic. As soon as I feel nauseous, I’m freaking out that I’m pregnant. Then the negative fears kick in about my vomiting phobia and my general fears of being pregnant again.
So this month , we “tried” again on the (guessed) optimum day for conception. This was around a week ago now. Last night I had a head ache which kept waking me up and I had nausea. I was having vivid dreams and was waking up restless every hour or so. I came down stairs to sit on the sofa from around 4am and felt rotten.
I managed to get back to sleep on the sofa , woke up at 7:30 and took my self back to bed. Then I didn’t wake till 9. I felt the head ache still but hungry so went down stairs to sort the dogs out and have breakfast. After my cereal breakfast then I started feeling very shaky and nauseous quite quickly so the panic started.
The fear set in that I might be experiencing early pregnancy symptoms. I felt so sick I started to panic and then had a bout of diarrhoea. I couldn’t stop shaking.
- I’m worries I’m pregnant . And everything that means for me
- I’m worried I’m going to vomit which triggers my worst fears and panic
- I’m worried about having another miscarriage
- I’m worried about having to go to work tonight
- I’m worried because I’m hosting a photo shoot tomorrow and no one can take over for me if I’m unwell
- I’m worried that I’m not ready / don’t want to be pregnant
- I’m worried that if I’m not pregnant then why do I feel ill? Do I have a bug?
- I’m worried if I’m not pregnant, is there something wrong with me? Am i starting to have fertility problems
So …. with all that said, I’m sat on my sofa with a sick bucket next to me, I’m shaking , I’m sipping ginger and lemon tea, and iv got my hand bag on the sofa next to me that’s got all my “go to” meds in it. Iv taken my anti nausea medicine and a b6 vitamin tablet (as this helped me a lot during my first pregnancy with the nausea) . Iv had to take my jumper off as I had hot flashes too and iv opened my patio doors for the fresh air.
Non of this is fun and you may suffer the same with you anxiety. My normal symptoms include
- Nausea to the point where I feel I might be sick at any moment (sometimes I feel this way for hours on end)
- Hot flushes or chill
- Tingling in extremities such as nose, hands, stomach,cheeks, (this is due to shallow fast breathing)
- Restlessness. I just don’t know what to do with my self and pace the room or fidget.
- I can’t concentrate
- My heart races
- My breathing is shallow and fast
So this is my morning ! It’s too early for me to take a pregnancy test so I can’t find out If I’m experiencing pregnancy symptoms or if I’m just having a bad anxiety/IBS day. I’m overwhelmed by negative and fearful thoughts as well as horrible physical symptoms that trigger my worst anxiety fears .
So I wrote this blog As a distraction for myself, as a type of therapy to get it off my chest and maybe rationalise some of my thoughts by writing them down but also in the hope that this may help someone else going though similar and let you know your not going crazy! The symptoms are “real” but can also be self propelled.
By this I mean that they are very real but thinking about them and wording about them will make them worse and bring them to the for thought of your mind. I know that I am making my self worse. I may truly feel nauseous through a bug, food intolerance or even early pregnancy. But I know I’m making it worse by panicking about it! So I’m going to work on relaxing and trying to rationalise my thoughts as best I can today.
Try not to put pressure on your self to be “fine” and realise it’s ok to take time to get back “on track” or even just to a functional state of mind. Talk to a friend, partner, therapist or family member about your thoughts and feelings. If you feel unable to talk about it to anyone then write it down ! Get it out! Do not bottle it. It really helps to get it out there through talking or writing it down. I promise ! Even now I think I’m starting to get better. My breathing has slowed a bit and I feel a little less fidgety.
Iv decided I’m going to call in sick for work this evening and take a day.
Thanks for reading this far and if no one reads this then I don’t mind as it’s helped me just to get it off my chest. Xoxo