Blog #1 how my anxiety started

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my relationship with anxiety and panic attacks goes way back, and i mean way back to my early teens. iv alwasy been a “sensitive” person and very intuned with my own body as well as being quite creative. i guess i started having anxiety as a kid at around 13 when I didnt want to stay around friends houses over night or id try to and then call my parents asking them to pick me up. my childhood anxiety prestented its self as stomach aches and a need to be at home. as a young adult it gradually become worse and id be looking for the exits and unable to sit in quiet class rooms or take exams with out freaking out. it all stemed from time in my life when everthing changed, my world was tipped upside down. i was around 9/10 years old when we had a fire at our home. its was boxing day (right after xmas) and we where visiting family. we came home to find our house on fire and the fire fighters doing their thing. it was later discovered that someone had put some sort of home made petrol bomb through the letter box. our home was badly smoke damaged and we had to go to a hotel with very little possessions and our christmas burned to a cinder. at this time i was also a child dancer in the local towns Pantomime so i had to go to school and dance in the show whilst living in the hotel. a few days after all this, i then came down with a violent stomach bug just before going on stage. i told the chaperone that i felt unwell then proceeded to vomit on the floor infront of my dance team. nice huh? i stongly remeber my mum coming to pick me up and saying “lets get you home”, and i have a vivid memory of my 9/10 year old self saying … “but we dont have a home!”.

this was the start of all my troubles!

i started to develop a phobia of vomiting, eating too much and of being away from home (especialy if i felt unwell).

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all this set me up for a hellish high school experiance, bulling and some big issues with normal every day activites. at first these issues where not too bad and i managed to go on family holidays, have a small social life etc. i still had issues with school trips and staying over peoples houses and i also had an unhealth need to control things. between the ages of 5-12 i had 4 primary schools. my 1st school was whwre i was the most happy and at that time the school was for reception to year 2 and for year 3we woild ahve to go on to a middle school for years 3-6. my next school was awful. bad teachers and i was very unhappy there so mu parents moved me to a private school. this private school was poorly managed and had mixed aged classes. i was in the same classes as children much younger and i never learnt anything so yet again i was moved to another primary school to finish my last year (year 6). over these years of switching schools i also had 5 house/home moves (even typing this makes me realise, no wonder im so f***ed up!!). we lived in the home that burned up, the hotel, a rented bungerlow then brought a new build house in a different town stayed there for around 3 years then moved again to where my parents still live today. i think i was 12/13 when we finally setteled in that house but it never truly felt like home, and still doesnt.

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all the moving and changing schools was hard and i didnt keep many friends form my childhood. i never really learnt the basics of spellings or times tables as i was constantly moving and starting again or redoing topics i had covered in other schools. i quickly learnt that pretending to feel unwell would mean a phone call to mum and being taken home. i became clingy to my mum and didnt “trust” anyone else to take care of me and developed a short temper , panic attacks ,ibs and phobias. oh the joys…. the troubl is that as i grew up, these behavors and thouggt processes are now hard wired and i no longer know how to think “normally” about every day situation. i can barely go out, work or interact with others. to look at me you would never know what hides beneath.

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