25 weeks pregnant!!

Hey , I’m writing this today for purely selfish reasons. I’m at the local hospital waiting for my 25 week midwife check up. I’m struggling with my nerves so bad , feeling nauseous and tense.

So I’m writing this today as a distraction as well as to keep you in the loop as it’s been a while.

Since I last wrote, a lot had happened. We found out we are having a boy! Great news as we really wanted a boy but would of been happy with either. Baby is happy in there and growing well and everything is measuring as it should be.

Since weeks 10/13 ish Iv been itching my skin . No rash or anything just constant itching all over. Stopping sleep and very all consuming. I told my doctor and they asked me to have a blood test to see if it’s something to do with acid levels in the blood.

Turns out I’m boarder line for a condition called ICP. which is a liver function issues caused by too much bile acid going back into the blood which in turn, makes you itch. It can cause issues to birth and ups risks of still birth / prem births etc so I had to take it seriously. Weekly blood tests needed and monitored for baby movement etc. Not fun I can tell you. But I’m glad to be looked after. Those of you who know my past history will know I get anxiety and panic attacks as well as ibs . More fun on top of being pregnant and all those extra worries !!

I now have to get to my local hospital weekly for tests and then once a month for appointments etc. Now on a good day I would struggle with this but now the traffic has picked up and there are big road works everywhere, it freaks me out ! I’m already feeling sick , tired, heartburn etc and now Iv got the extra pressure and worries if these extra appointments to try and get to!

So I’m sat here waiting for my 25 weeks appointment. The midwife is running late so Iv been here for almost 30 mins waiting and my appointment time has passed ages ago.

Feeling nauseous, in edge and a bit like I want to run away /drive home ASAP.

I’m trying to be good and wait but the longer I wait , the more I want to leave !

No fun at all!!!

Rant over lol 😂

Weak as hell !!!

Ok sorry in advance for the long post but I just need a rant.

This is how I feel right now! 🥱😂🧟‍♀️RIP

I’m about 17 w 5 days. For the whole pregnancy Iv been off work due to covid (my bar/restaurant had been closed) . It’s been a blessing really as iv been so nauseous and exhausted and iv literally not done anything other than sit on the couch and small bits of house work. I wake up feeling not too bad and mange to do a few things in the mornings eg. A short dog walk, vacuum or washing etc. But by midday I start feeling drained and usually nausea kicks in. So I eat and then I’m on the couch for the rest of the day. Sometimes I nap but I mainly watch tv and im in bed by 9/9:30 most nights. I wake up around 4 times a night to change position, drink water or pee, I wake up around 6:30/7am and the same type of day starts all over. 😞

Today I thought 💭…. right , that’s enough so I got up at 7am , washed my face , dressed, ate breakfast, brushed my teeth, swept my kitchen floor and thought I’d start my pregnancy yoga 🧘🏼‍♀️classes I signed up to. Iv never really done yoga much but thought it’s a gentle way to get moving.

I’m a slim 34 year old who used to dance professionally from the ages 12-22 and I’m now a child’s ballet teacher part time but I’m really not fit and healthy as I hardly break a sweat teaching small children. So I joined the online yoga classes at a medium beginner level and omg 😳…. I really struggled. I feel so weak it’s unreal. I guess sitting on my butt for 4 months has wasted what little muscle and strength I had. I did a 30 mins session and now feel like I could go back to bed! My limbs feel like so heavy I’m that exhausted. It wasn’t a hard session or too fast but holding those poses etc really killed me ! What has happened to me ! 😬🥱

Rant over ! Thank you for reading if you got this far I just can not believe how weak I feel right now! Iv sat (on the couch again) for the last 30/40mins after the session , like a zombie 🧟‍♀️

3 months pregnant

Still pregnant!! If you have been following my blogs you will know what has been going on throughout my first trimester of this pregnancy. But if you have only just tuned in, here is a quick sum up …

I lost my first pregnancy in May 2019 due to a missed miscarriage only discovered at the 12 week scan. Baby had stopped growing at around 8.5 weeks. I managed to “pass” everything naturally but struggled with bad depression for the next 6-9 months.

I didn’t want to try again for a long while but end if 2020 I felt ready to try again.

I fell pregnant in November 2020 in the second covid 19 UK lockdown

From weeks 6-9 I had very bad (and almost) constant nausea which caused great anxiety, hardly any sleep and lots of tears. I felt so low as I felt so ill. Massive bloating which made me look about 6 months pregnant!

Week 10 I started to feel a bit hey and had breaks in the nausea, had much better sleep most nights and was able to venture out of the house for food shops etc.

Week 11 I was hit again with constant nausea . I started to dread my 12 week scan because of what happened last time. It was like PTSD flash backs of images and conversations from the time I had to lay there in the ultrasound room hearing the sad news. I had my first “ booking appointment” and blood/pee tests with a mid wife and at the end of the appointment I asked her if she would mind trying to have a listen for a heart beat? She reluctantly agreed after warning me that it was very hard to find at this early stage and that I would have to understand that. Well … she found it and I cried so much. The relief was overwhelming.

We had our 12 week scan the following week. Hearing the heart beat was so fantastic but I still doubted it which is crazy.

Our 12 week scan was yesterday. I arrived at the hospital shaking and already having a panic attack. They had changed the way in due to covid and you had to walk all through the hospital which freaked me out even more as it’s a maze of corridors and very little exits so triggered me badly. I managed to find a slightly better way through the hospital and when I reached the checkin desk I was freaking out and ready to run. Luckily the nice lady behind the counter said I could use the closet fire escape to exit from as it wasn’t wired to an alarm, which was right next to us which helped me no end. I managed to get into the scan room and lay there fearing the worst and already tear stained.

The ladies doing the scan where so amazing in how they helped me relax and feel ready to see inside my belly. They had looked at my notes and knew about my last experience. They showed me our baby moving and heart beating, looking great in there. I cried so hard it was almost hysterical. She had to stop as I was shaking all over. I calmed down long enough to start the scan again. We got some amazing pictures as baby was in a fabulous position to be seen.

Our baby 🙂 approximately 12 weeks 5 days

Feel sick as a dog again today but so pleased. Can’t believe it’s in my belly ! It’s crazy!

Il keep you all updated xx

8 weeks pregnant in lockdown

Hello everyone. I’m still pregnant! It’s been a rough few weeks to say the least. Iv gained around 8lbs in weight , I’m eating every 30 mins or I feel terrible.

Most days I wake up at 1am and again at 3/4am needing to eat and almost every time I wake at 3am I feel so awful I have to get up and go down stairs to sit on the sofa and try to eat otherwise the nausea gets so much worse. Occasionally I sleep the whole night but that’s maybe once a week, then I feel much better that following day

I truly feel like a prisoner in my own home at the moment. What with feeling so crappy all the time, needing to eat constantly and this new tier 4 lockdown we are now in. There is nothing to do and I wouldn’t want to go out even if I could as I feel too terrible most of the day.

My tips for managing “morning sickness”

Why on earth it’s called “morning” sickness I will never know as it strikes any time of day or night or can be almost constant. Some unfortunate souls have what’s known as HG which is an extreme type of pregnancy nausea and vomiting. If your vomiting more than 2/3 times a day, please contact your health care provider as you maybe experiencing HG and you may need medical help to get you through.

  • Eat as soon as you wake – this is very important. Even if you don’t not feel hungry, eat a cracker, apple or something before you set foot out of bed.
  • Don’t let your self get hungry- if your stomach is empty, your far more likely to feel nauseous so keep snacking every hour or so.
  • Drink herbal teas- teas like, ginger and lemon or peppermint can be useful in settling your stomach.
  • Bland foods -such as pasta, baked potatoes, crackers, bread sticks, toast can be more easily tolerable. Easy carbohydrates.
  • Protein- you might be really off meat right now as I know I am, but cheeses such as cheddar, mozzarella and cream cheese have been life savers for me. Protein is great for quelling the hunger nausea
  • Vit B6 – I’m not a doctor so I don’t know why this works other than it helps the body deal with the new surge in hormones and it’s the new hormones that make you feel so terrible. You can take up to 100mg a day but I suggest taking between 10-25mg 3 times a day after your main meals.
  • Sleep- nap/sleep as much as you can as you will probably feel drained most of the time and fatigue makes nausea 10x worse
  • Fresh air- even though it’s a struggle to make my self leave the house, I know that a fresh air is really nice and sitting in a stuffy house can aggravate nausea
  • Gentle exercise- even if is the last thing you want to do, light yoya, gentle bike ride, swim or walk etc can do wonders for feeling nauseous
  • Soda water with fresh lemon juice- not only a great way of getting vit C, lemon juice is great for cutting through heartburn and nausea.
  • Kiwi fruit- this is a recent discovery of mine, but iv found this fruit brilliant for helping alleviate the pregnancy bloat . It has a digestive enzyme and helpful fibre that’s aids digestion and eases the uncomfortable bloat that makes you look far more pregnant than you are
  • Gaviscon – or any ant-acids can be useful for heart burn but talk to your doctor first

You may wish to ask your doctor for anti sickness/nausea medicine if your really struggling. There are a few safe options during pregnancy but please try all the natural, home remedies 1st as it’s never good to add chemicals to your body whilst pregnant if you can avoid it.

I’m waiting on the midwife team to contact me for my first “booking appointment” and bloods/pee tests etc.

Our family’s know but we haven’t announced anything as yet just incase.

Wish us luck. I’m scared as the last baby stopped growing at about 8 weeks 3 days and I’m pretty much at that point again now.

Week 5 day 6 pregnant!

Well Iv been up most of the night on the sofa. Feel too sick to sleep and it’s triggered my anxiety as well. Oh the joy!!! Just can’t relax enough to drift off even though I’m shattered.

I did manage to get about an hours sleep at around 2-3am but it’s 5:15am now and I’m trying to eat a block of cheddar cheese. Bloody nuts right?! I know ! but I think it’s helping a tiny bit.

It’s such an odd thing, pregnancy nausea. You feel so hungry but too nauseous to eat but you have to make your self eat to get a little bit of relief from the worst of it.

I was told cheese was a good one as it’s high protein/ fat and can ease the Noring hunger that goes hand in hand with the nausea.

You should see the nest of things I have around me right now.

Biscuits, cheese , bread, herbal tea, tv remote, book, soda water and a bucket 😦 even typing the last one makes me feel panic. Having a phobia of vomit has got to be one of the most debilitating phobias. The way I see it, you fear something from within your own body that could happen at any time and you have no control over it. You also can’t escape it as you can’t escape your self! It feels like your your own ticking time bomb.

So I’m really struggling tonight. The pregnancy nausea has ramped up and I barely get any break from it. And it’s triggered my anxiety now big time.

I’m supposed to be working today but I can’t see that happening if I still feel like this.

Il just keep making my self nibble the cheese and hoping I can , at some point, get back to sleep


Still pregnant

Well everyone so far , I’m still pregnant!

I’m around 5 weeks 3/4 days now. If you have been following my other blogs you will know that when I found out I had 2 days of feeling dreadful but actually after those 2 days I think I got off pretty lightly in terms of pregnancy symptoms. I’m such a hypochondriac but it’s hard to know sometimes what’s real in terms of symptoms and what I’m projecting on myself through knowing I’m pregnant. This time I didn’t feel pregnant at all for a good two weeks. I only felt nausea when I was hungry.


The last 2/3 days the nausea has ramped up a lot. As I actually feel nauseous almost all day and through the night now 😦 also hungry but can’t choose what to eat as I don’t fancy anything. Grr.

And to think, I actually was having thoughts that something must be wrong as I didn’t feel horrible so Iv jinxed my self. Big time!

Iv had to ask work for sorter shifts as I work in a pub and the covid situation is a worry but also it adds stress if I can’t rest and eat when I need too. I was going to quit my job as I don’t want to be working in a bar/restaurant when pregnant and feel ill. I can’t think of anything worse than serving food and having to talk to people with a smile, when all I want to do lay down.

I worked last week (when I wasn’t feeling too bad) , and it was fine. I only had 3 shifts 3 hours each so it was doable but now the nausea has stepped up a gear, I called in sick this evening and I’m glad I did as I do feel sick , sleepy and grumpy ( I feel like most of the 7 dwarfs actually) .

I haven’t been sleeping well either. Waking between 1-2am and again at around 3am and again at around 6am . Each time I’m having to make my self eat something like a rich tea biscuit or banana. It’s frustrating to say the lest.

I’m also swinging between constipation and diarrhoea which is great fun!! Ahhhh

To top it all off Iv got the added worry of my previous miscarriage back in May 2019. So I’m constantly wondering if I’m going to loose this one and if I do, when will it happen. As my body missed it last time.

There has been a lot of talk in the media the week about miscarriages and I’m glad it’s being spoken about openly as I always wanted to be open about mine to anyone who would take the time to listen. It made me feel validated to talk about it and that it was being acknowledged.

Anyway ….. that’s all for now but if I end up having a panic attack later , il write again lol

Wish me luck guys

Are you ready for this??

Well, what can I say?! My last blog I was convinced I was pregnant. I had been feeling more nauseous then normal and I’d had some awful nights awake with anxiety etc. It turned out I wasn’t pregnant at all. And I was pretty convinced I was.

I spoke with my hubby and said I didn’t want to try again this side of Xmas as it was stressing me out every month. The waiting and worrying if I am or not and the conflict inside about weather I wanted it or not, or could even cope with it or not.

In the case of our sex life, it’s not great. My sex drive is very low. Probably a few reasons for that such as my IBS and the fact I never feel quite “ well” so it’s the last thing on my mind. So in terms of when we have sex, I control when we have sex. I knew I could control exactly if/when etc. My hubby was a bit put off by my wishes to wait (again) and put off trying for more months. So I thought,“ ok il relax a bit and sort of try”. Almost tricking my self by not having sex on certain days of peak fertility.

So 13th November we have “unprotected” sex. This date was around 3/4 days before predicted ovulation so I thought (tricking my self again that I wasn’t actually trying)

We hadn’t had sex since that date and yesterday (29th November) I thought I would take a test, as cooking was turning my stomach a bit. it was 3 days before my period was due. And, you guessed it! Pregnant!! Oh shit!

I hadnt had as many symptoms as I had the first pregnancy as I felt so nauseous from week 2 last Time so I knew I must be pregnant. This time I hadn’t really other than my normal IBS /anxiety nausea. so it was a unexpected. I’d had sore boobs and a week or so of bad/restless sleep.

So… last night either due to the anxiety of finding out or just feeling worse symptoms, I kept waking up every hour being restless and feeling nauseous so at 4am I thought I’d go down into the sofa . It’s been a rough night and I still feel horrible. Nausea that won’t budge and Now diarrhoea. I’m so exhausted but I’m too anxious and queasy to sleep. It’s now 9am ! Grrr ! I just hope it’s not like this the whole time as it was last time.

Night 1 of a positive test:

  • Sleepless
  • Anxiety
  • Nausea
  • Diarrhoea
  • Hungry but don’t want to eat

Things I tried and if they helped at all 😦 –

  • Anti nausea meds -cyclazine ( don’t think it helped at all)
  • Rich tea biscuits (helped a little)
  • Bread sticks (helped a little bit more)
  • Ginger tea (no help)
  • Peppermint tea ( no help)
  • Hot water bottle ( comforting)
  • Milk shake protein drink ( not much help)
  • Small Porridge (a little help but not for long, and was hard to eat )
  • Soda water with fresh lemon ( helped a little to just sip)
  • Ginger beer ( no help)
  • Block of cheddar cheese (nibbled and helped most)

I just wish I could get relief so I could sleep.

Wish me luck guys! Fingers crossed for a safe pregnancy and il be doing another test in a few days incase it was wrong. I do feel a little like my period might come so I’m holding off telling everyone yet.

I’m off work on Furlough due to covid so I’m glad i found out now before I go back to work. I’m hoping il be not asked to go back to work in the pub for a while as I’m worried il be high risk now and I don’t fancy serving food or working long hours on my feet, being pregnant.

I’m so tired!!!! Il keep you guys posted on how I get on and if this pregnancy is successful, I should be due August 2021 .

Today is Week 3 day 7!

This is me about a month ago when I felt well! 😆 and before the bloating kicked in

Part 1 of my (possible) pregnancy “journey”

Now if your up to date with my other blog posts , you will be in the know about my current situation. Short catch up for those who don’t know…

  • I have stress/anxiety triggered IBS
  • I have a vomit phobia
  • I have panic attacks and general anxiety
  • I haven’t left my home town in years
  • Most days I don’t leave the house
  • Last year I had a “missed” miscarriage and suffered with depression afterwards

So … now that’s out the way I can get on with the “why” I’m writing this today.

I tentatively agreed with my husband to start trying again after a break and iv got a sneaking suspicion I’m pregnant. I’d only be 1-2 weeks gone but I feel so terrible

The last 2 days I have felt so sick which has triggered my anxiety attacks and stopped me from sleeping . Iv also had to call in sick to work . As soon as I stand up and walk around , I start to feel queasy again. I can’t face eating a proper meal but need to snack on something bland like crackers, bread sticks, pasta or plain rice .

Today I woke up shaking all over and feeling terribly nauseous but I had a photo shoot to host for my dance school children and I had to be active, animated and on form as well as making sure the 4.5 hour shoot ran on time. I felt so sick and so anxious all day . It was really tough on me. I can’t home after the shoot needing to try and eat something and in need of a nap. So I ate a gluten free pasta meal and rested on the sofa. I had work at 7pm -10pm at the pub. I thought ,

“Well , it’s only a 3 hour shift and I called in sick yesterday so I really should go in if I could”. So I had a nap then woke up at around 5pm , had toast with jam and butter then pulled my self to go into work.

After an hour at work I started to feel terrible again , exhausted and so nauseous I had to leave. I got home and sat down sipping water and feeling shaky. But I definitely felt better for being at home, sitting down and nibbling bread sticks . Then I had some oven fries , then more bread sticks.

I must be pregnant!! Right now I’m sat down stairs on the sofa, watching tv , trying to stay calm whilst feeling badly nauseous and panicking. I do need to sleep but feel to rough to relax . I’m snaking on plain rice in the hope it helps settle my stomach. If I lay down , I feel worse.

So this might just be the start of my pregnancy journey. I won’t be able to take a reliable test for another week or so so I guess iv just got to try and stay sain until it either goes away or I find out I am actually pregnant.

Sadly I honestly don’t know if I actually do want to be pregnant! I’m not sure I’m ready and the state of my mental health will make a rough pregnancy 100 times worse as I over think everything and HELLO…. my worst phobia is being and feeling sick and what does pregnancy make you feel?? Exactly! It’s now 1am and I can’t sleep , I can’t lay down and I feel horrible

Wish me luck !

I’m have a Panic attack

Hi guys , if your reading this you might know about panic attack or even suffer with them your self. This is a trigger warning so if you are easily set off or find it a trigger to hear about others symptoms, then maybe don’t read on. Also do not project my symptoms and fears onto yourself. Everyone suffers differently and my experiences are for reference and mutual support.

If you have read any of my previous blogs you can skip the next bit, but if you haven’t then there is a short catch up below

1) I had a miscarriage in 2019 at around 3 months pregnant. I had an awful time during my pregnancy with nausea, panic attacks and lack of sleep etc then had a a scan at 12 weeks which revealed a dead 9week Fetus. I then had miscarriage at home a day later which lasted around 2-3 weeks. Not nice and caused me to go into quite bad depression for around 9-12 months.

2) I have IBS D and some food intolerances so I find getting out and about hard. My IBS is triggered by wheat, gluten and yeast mainly as well as gassy vegetables such as beans. I get pains , bloating , nausea and diarrhoea . All of which triggers my anxiety and panic attacks

IBS can be stress related as well as triggered by food intolerances

3) I suffer with panic attacks and general anxiety. Since I was around 12/13 years old Iv had panic attacks and been a nervous person. It’s gotten worse as I’ve gotten older to the point now where I have not left my town for over 5 years. I’m quite agoraphobic and spend most days at home. I work locally in my village pub which I can just about manage and I teach dancing. I also work for myself crafting handmade gifts from home.

4) getting pregnant is a big deal for me and I’m still not sure I want or can handle, getting pregnant again. The hospital is over 45 mins drive away ( which is further than I can face travelling) and I can’t handle feeling of being sick as that is my main trigger for my panic attacks as well as the fear of having another miscarriage. I’d give birth at home but the fear of having to go to the hospital really freaks me out.

Pregnancy is scary for anyone but when you have mental health issues , it can be overwhelming

How I’m feeling today.

My husband and I decided to try again for a baby. It freaks me out terribly and is a massive cause for anxiety for me. It’s been 2 months of trying and nothing . This is the 3rd month of trying now And it feels like I just can’t relax . As soon as we have “tried” , the next few weeks I’m in a state of mild panic. As soon as I feel nauseous, I’m freaking out that I’m pregnant. Then the negative fears kick in about my vomiting phobia and my general fears of being pregnant again.

So this month , we “tried” again on the (guessed) optimum day for conception. This was around a week ago now. Last night I had a head ache which kept waking me up and I had nausea. I was having vivid dreams and was waking up restless every hour or so. I came down stairs to sit on the sofa from around 4am and felt rotten.

I managed to get back to sleep on the sofa , woke up at 7:30 and took my self back to bed. Then I didn’t wake till 9. I felt the head ache still but hungry so went down stairs to sort the dogs out and have breakfast. After my cereal breakfast then I started feeling very shaky and nauseous quite quickly so the panic started.

The fear set in that I might be experiencing early pregnancy symptoms. I felt so sick I started to panic and then had a bout of diarrhoea. I couldn’t stop shaking.

  • I’m worries I’m pregnant . And everything that means for me
  • I’m worried I’m going to vomit which triggers my worst fears and panic
  • I’m worried about having another miscarriage
  • I’m worried about having to go to work tonight
  • I’m worried because I’m hosting a photo shoot tomorrow and no one can take over for me if I’m unwell
  • I’m worried that I’m not ready / don’t want to be pregnant
  • I’m worried that if I’m not pregnant then why do I feel ill? Do I have a bug?
  • I’m worried if I’m not pregnant, is there something wrong with me? Am i starting to have fertility problems
Looking up your symptoms can make you more anxious but contacting mental health charities like MIND or ANXIETY UK , can give you helpful tools to manage your anxiety

So …. with all that said, I’m sat on my sofa with a sick bucket next to me, I’m shaking , I’m sipping ginger and lemon tea, and iv got my hand bag on the sofa next to me that’s got all my “go to” meds in it. Iv taken my anti nausea medicine and a b6 vitamin tablet (as this helped me a lot during my first pregnancy with the nausea) . Iv had to take my jumper off as I had hot flashes too and iv opened my patio doors for the fresh air.

Non of this is fun and you may suffer the same with you anxiety. My normal symptoms include

  • Nausea to the point where I feel I might be sick at any moment (sometimes I feel this way for hours on end)
  • Shaking
  • Diarrhoea
  • Hot flushes or chill
  • Tingling in extremities such as nose, hands, stomach,cheeks, (this is due to shallow fast breathing)
  • Restlessness. I just don’t know what to do with my self and pace the room or fidget.
  • I can’t concentrate
  • My heart races
  • My breathing is shallow and fast

So this is my morning ! It’s too early for me to take a pregnancy test so I can’t find out If I’m experiencing pregnancy symptoms or if I’m just having a bad anxiety/IBS day. I’m overwhelmed by negative and fearful thoughts as well as horrible physical symptoms that trigger my worst anxiety fears .

So I wrote this blog As a distraction for myself, as a type of therapy to get it off my chest and maybe rationalise some of my thoughts by writing them down but also in the hope that this may help someone else going though similar and let you know your not going crazy! The symptoms are “real” but can also be self propelled.

By this I mean that they are very real but thinking about them and wording about them will make them worse and bring them to the for thought of your mind. I know that I am making my self worse. I may truly feel nauseous through a bug, food intolerance or even early pregnancy. But I know I’m making it worse by panicking about it! So I’m going to work on relaxing and trying to rationalise my thoughts as best I can today.

Try not to put pressure on your self to be “fine” and realise it’s ok to take time to get back “on track” or even just to a functional state of mind. Talk to a friend, partner, therapist or family member about your thoughts and feelings. If you feel unable to talk about it to anyone then write it down ! Get it out! Do not bottle it. It really helps to get it out there through talking or writing it down. I promise ! Even now I think I’m starting to get better. My breathing has slowed a bit and I feel a little less fidgety.

Iv decided I’m going to call in sick for work this evening and take a day.

Thanks for reading this far and if no one reads this then I don’t mind as it’s helped me just to get it off my chest. Xoxo

Take time out for your self

Today Iv woken up anxious

Well just as the title said, iv woken up feeling anxiety, shaky, upset stomach 😦

There could be (and probably are) a tone of reasons for this.

  • My period is due any day now
  • I’m nervous about my birthday gathering in 2 days time
  • Iv got kitchen fitters and carpet cleaners in today
  • Iv got an upset stomach which automatically gives me nerves
  • I thought I might be pregnant but now feel like my period is coming so that too has given me very mixed feels. – relived, worries, annoyed and a whole host of conflicting feels.

Iv had this week as holiday and we have been doing the finishing touches on our new kitchen/ dining room and it looks fab so decided to get my close family and a few friends round for my 34th birthday this weekend. But this does trigger anxiety for me. If you have read any of my other blogs, you will know that I get anxiety, panic attacks and Ibs . They all trigger each other and pretty much dictate my life! I don’t really like having people round as my home is my “nest” and my “zone” when I feel ill, I hide out at home and sometimes don’t leave for days. I like my own space and do not want anyone else in my space when I feel ‘off’. So we very rarely have people over. It’s a shame but I’m not very social these days.

It’s a vicious circle. Iv lost many friends of the years as iv become less and less social.

What I should do….

So…. really what I should do today is

  • Carry on with day ie. do the house work, craft , take the dogs out for a walk
  • Talk positive to my self…, “I know why I feel like this, it’s normal, my period is due, it’s not nice but nothing bad will happen” I’m definitely my worst enemy and worst critic as well as being a very negative thinker.
  • Eat
  • Get dressed

“No one is more horrible to me than me”


What I will probably do….

What I should and what my body is telling me I need to do, are two very different things. My instincts tell me I should…

  • Lay down most or all of the day
  • Eat bland food and not too much incase I upset my stomach further
  • Not take the dogs out incase I get an attack of diarrhoea and need the toilet desperately while I’m out
  • Stay hidden in the lounge whilst the kitchen fitter and carpet cleaner are here and long for them to leave
  • Not get dressed and stay in my lounge wear all day
  • Minimum movement so my stomach doesn’t churn
  • Look up my symptoms even though I know what they are and why they are!

So my plan is this….

I will aim to have a reasonably chilled day as I have been working very hard lately but I will also aim to get a few things done around the house, eat as best I can, not over dramatise my feelings and upset stomach. Chat to the work men that come today as well as not shutting myself away panicking. It’s the best I can do today and I’m not going to punish my self about it. I hope , if you feel like this too sometimes, that you will not punish yourself for needing a time out.